FW 6.7 What Men WANT you to Appreciate in Them

Hello, Beautiful Homemakers!  We are in the middle of chapter 13 of the sixth pamphlet of the original Fascinating Womanhood pamphlets.  This subsection is called "What the Man Wants You to Appreciate."

 

Listen not so much to what the man is saying when he is showing off to you what he knows, but admire the man himself.   "Many girls at this point make the mistake of appreciating the wrong thing, admiring what is SAID, instead of the MAN who says it." He wants to be admired as a MAN.  

"If you can't see anything manly in him - then he won't see anything womanly in you!"

I mention the Masculine Virtues / Admirable Traits List found in the Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood book Chapter 4.  Here is a screenshot on how to get to that list.  On the left side of my blog, visit the link "Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood synopsis" link, and then scroll down in that post until you get to Chapter 4.

Here is the link, just in case you can't figure out the above.

Maurice Maeterlinck, the Nobel Prize Winner in Literature in 1911 is quoted in this chapter/video. 

What Maeterlinck says reminds me of a vignette from the Ray Bradbury story "Dandelion Wine."  I hope I didn't botch the story too much!  I've ordered the book but it hasn't come in yet, but I retold the vignette to the best of my memory (I read it 25-30 years ago!).  The point is that the worldly man with the "Trophy" wife and who "had it all" didn't have the same level of love and respect that the office "simpleton" had from his "non-Trophy" wife. [I sure hope I'm right that this vignette came from this book!] UPDATE: I just rec'd the book and I don't see this story in it!  UGH I haven't read the book, but I flipped through it.

Gazing Into His Soul  The pamphlet says, "To be interesting to all men, a woman need merely acquire the habit of discovering and appreciating the manliness in every man she meets."  This is what the "non-Trophy wife" saw in her husband. She exemplifies what "gazing into his soul" means.  She overlooked his "simpleton" characteristics, and instead focused on the good she found in him, and thus boosted his masculinity.  She helped him realize his dream of a home and family, and he helped her realize her dream of a home and family.  That is what a marriage is supposed to do!  

[I've always liked that song "Love the One You're With.  It's so true! Stop focusing on the bad points of your spouse, and build up his masculine virtues, and you will find that he turns into Prince Charming, the man you always wanted!]  

Get in the habit of looking for the ideal masculinity in the men you meet, or in your husband, son, brother, uncle, father, grandfather, nephew, cousin, etc.

Arousing Interest Through Sympathetic Understanding is discussed more in depth.  An interesting note is that men will shrug off compliments from "manly" women, but coming from a feminine girl it "makes her appreciation doubly welcome because she herself lacks or appears to lack the manliness of character she is admiring."  Even when both women utter the exact same words! "It's the contrast [of masculinity and femininity] that makes the appreciation interesting."

Next we cover Mistakes That Drive Men Away.  This is one area in which I disagree with these authors.  While what they say IS TRUE, it is not what Christian women should do.  Worldly men are not looking for wives, but only "playmates" (this word has been corrupted due to a vile magazine - in this pamphlet it simply means "friends to have fun with").  "He is not looking for a wife, but only for a playmate. If the playmate later becomes a wife, it will be because his liking for her has increased to such a point that he can't help himself."

I discuss how, as a Christian, all dates should be evaluated in the light of marriage, because friends turn into boyfriends, and boyfriends turn into husbands.  Therefore, if by date 3 you realize that he wouldn't make a great husband, then don't go on date number 4.  Let him go.  You need to be available when Mr. Right comes along, and he won't look at you if you have an engagement ring on your finger. To be "engaged" means you have set a date for marriage.  You are not to be a perpetual girlfriend or a perpetual fiancee. 

[The other day on our park walk we passed a man who we often see and I said, "Is your wife okay?" as she wasn't with him this time.  He replied that she wasn't his wife. "But, we've been together for 30 years."  How SAD! Thirty years of a counterfeit marriage! Yes, I told him to marry her already! But really, she should have run from him 29 years ago. If he were to die tomorrow, she would be left with nothing financial, no social security, no pension, no insurance benefits. No one recognizes a counterfeit marriage, and neither does God.  They are fornicating.]

Also remember that in 1922 there was no one-on-one dating.  It was done in groups or with chaperones. So that "friend" versus "date" vibe was much different than today.

You need to know what YOU are bringing to the marriage, as well.  As I discussed in the last post, many marriages fall apart because people aren't in it for the long haul, the ups and downs, the learning to love sacrificially and become more like Jesus, which is actually one of God's purposes in marriage relationships! 

But if you or your husband are not committed followers of Jesus, then once a marriage partner (or a girlfriend or boyfriend) no longer supports a person's pleasure, comfort, and strength, many people move on to the next person who can best provide for these selfish desires.

If you are already married, admit that you were evaluating his ability to love you, to provide for you, to protect you, to give you children, to provide a home for you, to keep you well fed and well-clothed, and even to serve you in the ways you need to be loved.  I can admit that I was!

In the same way, a man is evaluating you to provide him with sympathetic understanding, appreciation, respect, the ability to give him children, keep the house he provides for you, help feed him, help keep him well-clothed, and to care for his needs, especially his sexual needs.  Providing these needs, especially the latter one, will keep him happy and able to love you in the way that you want to be loved.

But he's not looking for a nagging wife, or a woman who is stressed, or one who will make his life harder.  He wants to come home to a joyful wife.

 

In FW 6.7 video I mention the video "Why He Won't Marry You" above BUT WHAT I MEANT was the video FW 4.8 WHY HE DIDN'T CALL YOU BACK below.  

 

Before a man will confide in you, his innate reserve must be overcome.  He will test you to see if you will ridicule or disrespect him.  If you do, you will never become his wife.  A man only marries a woman that he is sure he can tell his confidences to, his aspirations, and that you will view his motives and himself in the most favorable way, appreciating him.  This will cause him to confide in you more, which will lead to love, as "he finally lays his heart bare before you, that you may know what manner of man he is, and that you may appreciate in every detail the subtlety, sincerity, steadfastness, and power of his manly character."

Will you build him up or tear him down?

If he discovers that you are naturally appreciative of others, then he will not fear that you will ridicule him or show contempt when he confides his ideals and ambitions to you.  "If, on the contrary, he suspects that you are naturally critical and scornful, with an eye open for every fault you can find in those around you, he will be afraid to expose his own intimate feelings to your criticism and contempt."

You need to take a hard look at yourself.  Are you always complaining? Are you always criticizing?  Do you show contempt and scorn for people?  Do you gossip?

If you are already married, have you fallen into the trap of constant criticism? It's so easy to do, and we must guard against it, and even ask him for forgiveness when we do it.  Remember that it starts with our thoughts. That's why we are to take our thoughts captive and give them to Christ to renew our minds.  

I will give an example of how to do this in our next video, FW 6.8.  We will also cover:

• Common Mistakes to Avoid,
• Inspiring the Man's Confidence, and
• Secrets That Are Shared.

May God bless you as you learn to see the best in people and show your appreciation for them, and especially to your husband!

Janine

 I am also linking these three videos, because they are relevant to today's discussion.

FW 4.5 The Family Darling, Playful Pretenses, and NonSuperior Wives:

In FW 4.6 I discuss "Superior Wives" and why they are so unhappy:

FW 5.7 Are you eye-catching, or MIND CATCHING?